Down Days

Everyone has their good days and they definitely have bad days. those bad days can be worse for some people than others. It’s unfair. It’s life.

 

downdayMy dad always told me “Life is unfair Jean, and the sooner you realize it the sooner you’ll get used to it.”

Let us just say It took me over 30 years to realize life wasn’t going to become fair just because I willed it. I’ve never found myself able to get used to it. It’s not my nature to accept anything I can’t control in my private turmoils. Mostly I’m referring to being bipolar with PTSD and extreme social anxiety. Panic attacks that make crazy people look sane. Paranoia set in the past two years. I haven’t become so bad that I can’t leave the house. I just most days prefer the solitude than dealing with other people’s dram more than my own. My self-made therapy has been working as far as I’m concerned. I can function, I’m pretty much on an even flow emotionally. Not to happy, not too sad. I look forward to getting out of bed and dread having to go to bed at night. Why?

Well lets see. I have these addictions. No it’s nothing illegal or anything that will harm me. I have to start with telling you that I had to improvise due to losing my health insurance and not being able to pay for my medications. Hundreds and almost thousands of dollars to regulate my emotions, chemical imbalances, therapy and a doctor who had to see me every two months due to my “Border-line diabetic issue” as she had put it. My improvising actually came about without even realizing it. My addictions are my new found mental health therapy and they don’t cost me a thing!

Lets start with the fact that I love to read. I’m a bookworm. I read for hours most days. It’s a change from my own reality. I forget while I’m reading that I am having a bad day or a down day. Those words on the pages are better than a movie if it’s a well written book. I’m there. I see it all happening. If I didn’t have books I really believe I’d end up locked up in a padded cell. Books breathe life.

The second addiction I have is writing. I find it soothing whether I’m blogging, journalling or as I normally do everyday: Write fiction. FlashFiction, Short Stories and yes I’m working on a Novella series. Just something about what is in my head flowing out into words when I normally can’t express them vocally.

Third and final addiction is something I just found.  Yoga and Meditation. I meditate twice a day. Morning before getting out of bed and at bed time before I fall asleep. I might have an exceedingly stressful day and meditate to calm myself down to think rationally. And I do yoga (I’m doing a beginner’s introduction)  once a day in the early afternoon or early evening. Things seem to come into a better perspective when I’m calm and not flailing around with the world rushing at me and sending me into a downward spiral. Tail spinning into a crash at the bottom of that chasm is not fun and it’s painful.

I think also talking to my mother helps to just getting out concerns when they come along. Having her perspective is a relief to know that I’m not really crazy and if I calm down, things just might seem a bit more fair even though I might have to fight harder for what I want than others. It’s just life. It is what it is and I can’t fight it. I can only do what I can do with what I have and leave what doesn’t work.

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